FOUNDER: Me Too Movement
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The Me Too Movement of Modern Day Empowerment Sexual Abuse, Assault & Trauma
I decided to write my experience from last year because of the irony with how women are now being believed in a climate whereby men had the power to control their own narrative about their sexual perversions against women.
My experience last year left me extremely devastated because I had an opportunity to expose my painful past with a man I thought would have honored what I shared because he too went through a sexual assault in his life.
This man did not honor the truth of my past nor the truth of the journey that we took together. A civil war broke out between us and the dust that is now on the ground represents the ugly side when people, friends, family, associates don't know how to handle the truth.
I decided to expose the shamefulness with his approach and showcase another perspective with what cowardly men do when they lose their power to control stories about their own sexual sins and the demons that live within them.
THE VIRTUAL BUBBLE
Over a year ago I began a journey with a man to reconnect a friendship that began over 25 years ago and for the record we adored each other plus our families maintained a close connection due to our church.
Together we explored as much as we could within a unique form of communication whereby it didn't interfere nor disrespect the official boundaries of his marriage. In fact, we discussed the boundaries of this new re-connection almost daily to make certain that what we honored and held true remained honorable and true.
The more we talked, the closer we became. The more we exchanged our thoughts & experiences the more our feelings grew. Our connection became spiritual because our rediscovered friendship was never established in the physical world. Since we didn't see each other physically instead we shared our private thoughts, desires and feelings in a 'virtual bubble'. This intimate friendship enabled us to discuss our own #metoo experiences which ultimately became our secret connection. That was our reality a year ago.
Initially he shared with me a shocking college experience of a possible sexual assault that led him down the path of anger within his adulthood. In turn I shared with him how difficult it was for me to see him as 'man' due to my own painful sexual past. Our secrets jolted our reality but it blocked us from having a more evolved friendship, such as make plans to see each other, spend time together and just laugh. Eventually we realized just how terrified we were to see each other.
Every moment we shared offered another opportunity for dead weight to be shed. Light flooded my world to release the pain of my past. I had a remarkable renaissance experience with this man because of secrets we shared to help us heal and experience the wonderful power of now. I was healing, I was growing, I was learning, I was seeing, I was listening to music, I was reading, I was exploring, I was feeling for the first time in a long time in a long time. I even recorded a message to him called Flabbergasted. Over time the spirit of our energy began to form a bond of love but that love became our unexplained complication. Very quickly we became ashamed of this unexplained love. The more we couldn't explain the love the more we fought ferociously to block it and in the end I made a decision to end our re-connection journey last Summer 2016.
As we said goodbye, I drafted a civility agreement between us so that our overlapping projects wouldn't rear its ugly head. He agreed to sign the agreement however he shared with me how he began to fall in love with me and his confession became a bombshell I couldn't handle in that moment. So I offered a response via voice recorded message and in my response I proceeded to lash out at him. Plus over a 4 day period I sent him several harsh emails expressing my shock, confusion, anger and disbelief because in my mind at that time I felt as though his bombshell confession was a form of manipulation similar to my #metoo experiences. At that time, I felt he was Dr Jykle and Mr. Hyde. I posted a message on his Facebook page "it just takes Jesus" due to observation of his stance with me over 4 days. And his response to my emails + Facebook posting was sinister, sickening and racial.
He crafted a clever lie, spun the lie to his mother (whom I loved dearly) & used said lie as fuel and fed it to his unstable racially tinged jealous wife to go after me on social media, Facebook, Soundcloud, Twitter etc.... In short, this man lied about a journey that spoke volumes about coping with sexual abuse based on dual spectrum of this serious painful issue. Our journey began with his confession of a possible sexual assault in college that he shared with me via his online journal. Several months later our journey ended after I revealed to him my own spiritual awakening regarding my distance with him due to my own sexual abuse that I never dealt with as a woman. At that time, I believed he was remorseful for his actions since this is how he presented his truth to me and I believed I went through a trans-formative spiritual awakening. It's worht noting how very very extremely close we became. Now the ironic twist to all of this is the fact that this man shared with me his own personal sexual assault that he experienced as a little boy that he has no memory of but he felt that somehow that event changed him in some way sexually over time. He can only recall the experience through his mother's memory since his mother was the woman that caught the sexual predator in the act of sexually abusing her son while she was volunteering at an adult center.
We were speaking truth to power about something so shocking for both of us that our silence between us while we shared those moments was our gift from God to help us move past the pain either psychologically and spiritually. I didn't think to go to a therapist because the very essence of #metoo is having the courage to speak the truth about a subject matter that is so hard to speak about. The shame is trying to find pleasure in a act that one has been violated with. Moving past the shame means one found a way to find pleasure without thinking about the violation. So my deep connection with this man I adored was attached to the relief that I was able to find someone that understood the violation, didn't judge me for the shame and we still managed to like each other for horrible scar that the sexual violation left behind.
So it hurt me deeply that this man found a way to manipulate the people in his world to tell lies about a subject matter that he too was affected by intimately. I was hurt deeply for witnessing a sheer betrayal by a man that turned into a monster that couldn't honor the truth of our journey together. Instead he found clever avenues to sabotage and destroy so much in my life that I held so dearly. This is the reason why I was so certain he was a monster and the people he attracted in his world including his wife was a monster enabling his sick behavior while hiding behind fake worlds of God, church, twisting Bible versus and social media religiosity, mini sermons and fake spiritual quotes to pretend he's holy and righteous.
As of today with the #Metoo Movement I believe all of us must have the courage to see in our midst the manipulators and the enablers. As a Woman of Color, our stories are normally erased from view or ignored due to slavery and the daily raping of Black Women endured by both white and black men. Predators are everywhere and enablers come in all shapes, sizes, colors and genders which continues to create an opening for sexual abuse & assault to move forward. Penis power shouldn't be used as a social attitude for male validation and the women that back these bastards such as wives, mothers, sisters & aunts shouldn't be seen as the 'dutiful wife' as an acceptable practice of protection for predators.
Over a year ago when I began to tell my story about this man I adored via Revolution of Race due to the racial overtones that stemmed from this man's wife, the people that attacked me the most were the so called 'Church God-Women' that wanted to find flaws or isms or something questionable to somehow prove my words were lies because 'they loved him' or 'he couldn't do anything wrong'. The credibility attack against me was so massive. Keep in mind their attack against me wasn't about the real #metoo experience. Their attack was about the relationship I had with this man for sharing the #metoo experience. All I could do was sit back in disbelief while he engaged in gleeful moments of puffed chest victory and arrogance. I was in pain. I was devastated. And he knew I was devastated while he continued to spread his lies and engage in sabotage.
I adored this man's mother and she refused to believe me when I spoke with her. In fact she went as far as to find a way to double down on the racially tinged behavior by her own white daughter-n-law that she even proceeded to beg me to not interfere or say anything against her racist family. I honored her request for about 12 hours until I discovered over time the damage that her son did with me via social media. I loved this woman, I loved her so very much because she introduced to me Jesus in a profound way when I was younger. This man took my love for his mother away from me.
There's an image this man has in a photo album of my sister and I for over 25 years due to a celebration gather for his High School graduation. I've never seen the picture. However, I realized that that picture could be the last known image of my sister prior to her passing. He promised me that this image would be with him if we ever had a change to meet in person. This was quite special because my sister passed away at a very young age of 25 and our entire town (where we grew up) was so deeply devastated and the unique twist is that my sister passed away on Christmas Day 1991. I am certain he and/or his wife in a fit of jealous rage found excuses to destroy this precious image of my sister and I. He took that precious memory away from me too.
IMAGE OF CHAOS
The (uw)-wife, friends/family retaliated with cyber stalking, whisper/smear campaign & the black women that work with him (within the music industry) on similar ROR projects about race, racism & podcasts found excuses or lies to not work with me. The man found clever ways to taint the truth to these people about our connection and never found the courage to state the truth about our journey. He shared several bizarre stories about his wife and there's one story that stood out regarding her behavior at a college party whereby she had a fit over another woman hugging him to say hello. I remember him telling me he had to break up this huge fight which took place in dark section of house party after noticing she had been missing for a long time. He told me the fight got so bad between that he told both women he would leave. The fight stopped but and I remember thinking to myself there's the 'enabler' the key ingredient needed to make monsters thrive. He needed her to hide his behavior since she would always find a reason to fight dirty. After his wife's strange behavior against me on social media I coined this term for her called the 'ugly-white-wife'. For the literal definition because they look like the 'odd couple' and figuratively because her behavior is ugly and she found a partner that was willing to spin & excuse her ugliness and ugly behavior into gold silk for whatever reason.
In the end monsters thrive, multiply and forget what the truth feels like over time. This is his reality now. This is a man that is far different than the sweet man that I once knew and adored 25 years ago. His sweetness is gone, his goodness is gone. His spirit is completely unrecognizable and his inner demons have found a way to bring people in his life that keep intact energy of deception, duplicity and disdain for the truth. This is the image of chaos when enablers normalize behavior that should be damned.
The backlash against me was/is severe that I am still in disbelief that so many people were willing to believe the arrogant-good-looking-monster versus the Truth. Now that the #MeToo Movement is here to stay I wonder what these people have to say for themselves? Do they think they resemble the same people that continue to support Roy Moore in Alabama. Holding their ears saying la la la la la while the truth is being told in their hearts while still ignoring the truth?
MANIPULATORS ENABLERS & MONSTERS
My #MeToo experiences are many in my life by various men, family members, community leaders, teachers, guidance counselors which none of them can face me or apologize. Most have found clever ways to rewrite history to protect their own reputations, positions and/or status. All of them have used tactics to discredit my words, thoughts, actions and alliances to avoid facing the truth. I've been threatened & socially shamed. The emotional scars are so deep. So this portrait of enablers is quite interesting because most of them make excuses to justify loyalty to monsters. It breaks my heart that my experiences were never believed when I tried my best to explain painful stories that go through my mind/system daily.
With the #MeToo movement I am not alone now. Those that have been affected there's this new commaraderie of people sharing painful sexual stories that are never believed. Mothers, Husbands, Wives, Sisters, Brothers, Aunties, Uncles, Friends, Associates, Neighbors could be apart of this new portrait of enablers that have either heard a story and didn't believe or brushed off claims or found excuses to not stop questionable sexual behavior. Manipulation of people, places, things, events, ideas, issues, messaging, communication etc continues to be the go-to tool monsters use to engage in sexual abuse, rape, assualt and/or trauma.
As I reflect upon the older wiser beautiful Black Women I spoke to in private about my past, I was in disbelief that no one believed me and thus I didn't have a sense of trust for their ability to be able to discern the truth when the truth was infront of them. I've lost all trust for a lot of people for not being able to recognize the truth when they hear the truth. I realized just how easily people are swayed to believe the power of men over women when it comes to sexual abuse, violence, assault, truama and/or rape. A lot of people believe wolves in sheep's clothing. It's how we are conditioned. The kind smile, the polite gestures, the civic and noble causes, donating money and time, hiding behind the church, the bible, the pulpit against the backdrop of sick perverted behavior.
Several years ago I almost had a complete emotional breakdown because I couldn't keep it together with hiding the truth of my past. I didn't know who to tell and the men that violated me created an environment whereby I couldn't find people to tell because they instilled a code of loyalty for those enablers to never ever believe anything I state. This is how silence is created. The ironic twist to all of this is that no one in my past during this new #MeToo Movement has come forward to ask me how I am doing, offer support or apologize for being insensitive. There's a handful of people that are fully aware of my story and therein lies the truth with how monsters continue to advance this horrific cancer.
HE SAID / SHE SAID
Who do we really blame? The men that know how to manipulate or the enablers that know how to modify, mangle and mask the truth when the monsters need a quick hiding place to rest their guilty acts?
We're only given one opportunity to tell the Truth. Only one. Sometimes were often given opportunities to restate the truth but it's very rare. So in essence, we have to be mindful that our words will be the last recording of any truth in our lives. The question becomes when will we have the courage to state the truth and then believe the truth when we hear a story that possibly can't be proven?
Sounds familiar. Sounds like another amazing event we will be celebrating soon such as the Birth of Jesus.
Merry Christmas Everyone.
Pamela Lawrence - Founder | Creative Director
For those that continue to walk this walk of life always tell the truth for you are always walking with Holiness that lives within you just waiting for you to ask for help to deal with any attack; even attacks from the non-believers that you thought would be there to help you.
My Birthday is on Christmas and the most important lesson I've learned for this honorable gift in my life is to speak the truth about the Birth of Jesus and declare He is the Son of God. I realized that speaking the truth about an event that is so hard to believe is the only way to remain humble for being born on Christmas.
This spiritual lesson was not learned over night but penetrated in my spirit over long period of time whereby I am filled with tears now with how God saw fit to Bless my parents for me to be born on a day filled with so much joy about the Truth of what is eternally Holy for all mankind.
There is power in speaking the Truth. I am witness to this fact. This precious gift in my life carries an enormous responsibility therefore I am bound by a different covenant regarding how I view the Truth, honor the Truth and speak the Truth as cornerstone of my life.
Speaking the Truth in all things is my way with how I honor God's Gift for being born on His Son's Birthday December 25.